©2008 Dave Knechel
This is a story about Hannah. She’s all grown up now, but when she was young, she was pretty much the tomboy. She got a big kick out of passing gas and laughing about it, for example. Saying “poop’ was very funny, too. That lasted until boys started to show an interest in her. Oh no, I thought, the trouble was about to begin. When she was around 13, they would sometimes call after dinner, but she made a habit of going outside to pal around with some of her neighborhood girlfriends after we ate to (hopefully) escape having to help wash dishes and to put off homework for as long as she could. Anyway, when one of the boys called, she generally wasn’t around and I always answered the phone.
“Hello, is Hannah there?” This was before the poor guy’s voice changed, so it was sort of high pitched and a little bit feminine sounding.
“No, she isn’t. Is this Stephanie?”
“No.”
“Erica?”
“NO!” he’d respond, and I could detect a little bit of frustration, disappointment and anger in his voice.
“Oh. Would you like me to take a message?”
“No,” and - CLICK - he’d hang up. Later, I’d tell her some guy called and she’d get all excited.
“Who was it?!!!”
“I don’t know, he didn’t leave a name.” The next day, the boy would tell her what I did and she’d get mad at me.
“Hannah, you’re too young to start thinking about boys.” Then, I’d tell her she wouldn’t be able to date until she was 30 and she’d have to sit in the back seat when he came to get her because I would be sitting in the passenger seat, right next to him. She knew I was just kidding, but I sensed she really appreciated the fact that I loved her so much.
Fortunately, her interest in boys waned while she went through a horse phase. Life was all about horses. Horses, horses and more horses. I don’t know what it is about girls her age and their strange fascination with Equus caballus, but it seemed like every other weekend we had to take her somewhere to ride. Of course, she had to take lessons first and let me tell you, this horse obsession wasn’t cheap, either. Thank goodness for grandmothers.
A place we took her to one Saturday morning was a horse ranch in Sanford, a town north of Orlando. We had read about it and drove by several times to scope it out. It seemed like a nice place and it was surrounded by woods with scenic trails. When we got there, an employee asked if we could wait a half hour or so while they waited for other girls to show up. Their parents were obviously smart enough to make reservations. One of the young women who worked there was a drop dead gorgeous natural blonde with an incredibly perfect body and I had to sneak glances so Susan wouldn’t see me. I walked into the house with her to pay and Susan stayed with Hannah to inspect the horses outside and in the stable. Oh my God, I thought, and then she smiled. Uh oh. She wasn’t perfect after all. One flaw was all it took to stop me dead in my tracks. Rotten teeth. Yuck. How could someone that good looking have teeth that bad? Oh well, I wasn’t really interested in her anyway. I was already spoken for and quite happy, and this was a day for Hannah and a horse.
In a pen sitting all by himself was Arnold or Clem or whatever his name was, the resident donkey. I asked the young woman if he ever goes out riding. Not very often, she told me. I asked her if she would saddle up Clem and play a little game with Hannah. Put all the other girls in the saddles first and tell her there are no more horses, that she’ll have to ride him instead. Then, bring her a horse from the stable.
“Sure,” she said. “That’s funny. I love it!” She smiled again.
One by one, the other girls showed up and more horses were brought out to saddle. Then, one of the women readied Clem. All the girls were called to a horse and finally, they brought Clem over to Hannah.
“Nuh uh!” she exclaimed. “I’m not riding him!!!”
“Yes, you have to because there are no more horses.” All the other girls were laughing.
“No way!” and she turned away in anger. They told her it was a joke and brought out another horse. Poor Clem. As soon as he realized he wasn’t going to go out on the trail, he brayed and brayed. He was genuinely upset and saddened that he wasn’t going out for a fun day like the horses. He seemed to be crying. All of a sudden, I felt terrible for what I had done. It was my fault. I let him down. I had never been cruel to animals before in my life and I felt so guilty as I watched him get stripped of his saddle and then led back to his pen. Something I thought was funny backfired on me.
“Can’t you let him go out with the others? Just for the fun of it?”
“No. He hasn’t been out for a long time and he’s getting too old to go on such a long trip. The heat will bother him, too.”
Boy, I felt bad. I walked up and apologized to him as best as I could. “I’m sorry, Clem. I really am.” I thought that talking to him and giving him a lot of attention might ease the pain. All of a sudden, he let out the biggest and loudest fart I had ever heard in my life.
“phhhhtblaaaatsquifffffbreeeeppshhhhhbreeeeppp!!!“
And then he settled down. I guess that was his way of getting back at me and, suddenly, I didn’t feel so bad. After all, I was standing closest to him when he let it rip.
Everyone giggled, especially Hannah. “Ha, ha, ha, he farted on you.”
“Hannah,” I said, “he sounds just like you.” All of the girls hee hawed in laughter as they set out on their adventure. Happy trails.
The End
27 responses so far ↓
Ina // May 6, 2008 at 4:00 am
Great story! Laughed so hard about it, I woke up some people. Hope the horse lived happily ever after
Marinade Dave // May 6, 2008 at 6:54 am
Thank you so much, Ina. I enjoyed reliving the experience and writing about it.
Kids can be so much fun. You should know. I guess you’ve heard your share of funny noises followed by laughter, especially from boys.
I’m sure all the horses and Clem had happy lives. The ranch was well run. We never went back, though, because Hannah had to find different places to ride. She always came up with new places, although it was more of an independence thing. She wanted to be able to ride on her own, without a lot of adult supervision and that place wasn’t set up like that.
floridaconcepts // May 7, 2008 at 8:02 am
Oh. This is a very funny story. One of your best. I used to horseback ride when I was young, also.
Marinade Dave // May 7, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Thank you, FC. A lot of girls get into horses for some strange reason. I knew it before she reached that age. What is it? It seems to be an obsession of sorts. Then, they’re out of it and they start to spend more attention on their appearance. Guys will never quite figure women out. And vice versa, I guess.
Ina // May 8, 2008 at 6:31 am
Horse riding has a sort of adventure in it. Since a horse stepped on my foot one day, I tend to keep a certain distance between them and myself though
But they are beautiful creatures.
Now what kind of ‘picture’ is this new thingy next to my name, Dave? Do you see me as yellow?
Marinade Dave // May 8, 2008 at 2:42 pm
I was never really into horseback riding. I’ve done it, but I’m not very good because I kept slapping my family jewels into the saddle. Boy, that hurt! I never got stepped on by a horse, but I’ve stepped in horse sh*t before.
What new ‘picture’ thingy? Yellow? Oh, you meant that green Avatar next to your comment? That… Oh, yes.
WordPress now offers a selection of their own generated patterns. This is what it says on my administrative settings:
Avatars
An avatar is an image that follows you from weblog to weblog appearing beside your name when you comment on avatar enabled sites. Here you can enable the display of avatars for people who comment on your blog.
Then, I have these to choose from, although I can’t pick the design:
For users without a custom avatar of their own, you can either display a generic logo or a generated one based on their e-mail address.
-Mystery Man
-Blank
-Gravatar Logo
-Identicon (Generated)
-Wavatar (Generated)
-MonsterID (Generated)
I changed it from MonsterID to Wavatar. I thought they would add a little excitement to an otherwise boring blog. A little more design and color. I still haven’t figured out how you add those little yellow smiley faces on comments, though.
Marinade Dave // May 8, 2008 at 2:55 pm
By the way, I’ll make you an Avatar if you want me to. I have 2 for myself, both showing my bald head. Of course, I’d make a much nicer one for you.
Ina // May 9, 2008 at 4:46 am
Avatar, I knew that, just couldnot find the word in my head at that moment
The smiley is what you get if you type : and ) next to each other. And your blog is far from boring!
I would love an Avatar, the green monster is charming, but it’s not really me
Marinade Dave // May 9, 2008 at 6:08 am
If you e-mail me a picture of something you like, I’ll turn it into an Avatar and let you know how to set it up. Then, it will follow you wherever you leave a comment.
I’m glad you don’t think my blog is boring. Thank you.
Ina // May 9, 2008 at 7:43 am
Thank you!
Marinade Dave // May 10, 2008 at 6:07 pm
My pleasure. I e-mailed you an Avatar with a link explaining how to install it on your blog.
Ina // May 11, 2008 at 5:23 am
Just checking
Marinade Dave // May 11, 2008 at 6:24 am
Hmm. It’s not showing up here yet. I went to this site:
http://en.gravatar.com/
to set up an account with your e-mail address, but it said it was already taken, so I’m not sure what is happening and why nothing shows up.
Marinade Dave // May 11, 2008 at 6:59 am
I don’t know if Mother’s Day is a holiday other than in the United States, but Happy Mother’s Day, Ina!
Ina // May 11, 2008 at 7:15 am
But it does work on my blog now…
Ina // May 11, 2008 at 7:21 am
Thank you , Dave, yes, it is Mother’s Day here too, my 32nd! But my family has wisely decided that it is too ‘comercial’ so they won’t bother
The boys are still somewhat sleepy at the moment, it is a good thing I didnot wait for them to make me breakfast.
Since I am also a daughter, we tried to get my mother over from the home for a few hours, but she wanted to stay in bed. That happens occasionally. Husband is now out on a trip on his (push)bike. I am staying here to get the avatar thingy in order.
Do you have plans for today?
Ina // May 11, 2008 at 7:39 am
Thank you for the link, I made an avatar there with a different email adress. It takes a while for it to start, so it said in the mail from gravatar…
Marinade Dave // May 11, 2008 at 7:44 am
Well, technically, I’m not a mother, but yes, I do have plans for the day. I am riding with my mother and father to my sister’s (Maggie & Bud) house in Cape Canaveral. My older brother, Sam, will be there, too, along with his wife, Lindsay. Of course, my younger brother, Tim, is in Iraq, but he and his wife live outside of St. Louis and they wouldn’t have been here, anyway. My sister loves to cook and is excellent at it.
I’m working on your Avatar issue. I will send you an e-mail with information on how to get it to work here on WordPress.
Ina // May 11, 2008 at 7:49 am
Thank you very much for your trouble! Funny how your last post here is in fact a reply on a post on my blog
Have a good day with lots of nice moments.
It seems you will have a busy Sunday, that Mother’s day- thing sounds really serious
Ina // May 11, 2008 at 7:53 am
Or wasn’ t it.. confusing. Husband is back and he wants me to drive to son, who is at work in his new business, a sort of snack-selling thing.
But there I go.
Hate driving in cars
Ina // May 11, 2008 at 7:54 am
He drives. I just sit and scare
Marinade Dave // May 11, 2008 at 8:01 am
I tried to set up a WordPress account with your e-mail address. It’s already taken. Try signing in to that account and go here:
http://dashboard.wordpress.com/wp-admin/profile.php
You should be able to upload your image there.
Enjoy your day, Ina!
Ina // May 11, 2008 at 9:38 am
aha thank you, I will try it right away.
but it is a candleholder, with lid.
We’re back! I got a present! It looks just like an ashes container for cremated people
Marinade Dave // May 11, 2008 at 11:24 am
For being such a good mother, you “urned” it!
May your candle burn brightly.
Ina // May 11, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Thank you lol
Marinade Dave // May 11, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Off to my sister’s! Hopefully, the Avatar issue will get fixed.
Ina // May 11, 2008 at 12:38 pm
Have fun!
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